The storm

This weather we have had the past couple of days have really just put me in a funk! Sunday as Isabel and I were going to church Joey told me that he got called out to Hattisburg to help with the law enforcement there. This of course put me over the edge. I cried all day Sunday and Monday mainly because I do not like being away from Joey but especially just because of everything we have been through lately it has been especially hard for me to be away from him. I talked to one of my accountability friends and she reminded me that this may be a time to focus on God and remember that in the end He is the only one we have to lean on anyways. SO I kept this in mind and I will say that even though Sunday and Monday were tough it was really nice staying at my mom's house with Isabel. Yesterday Isabel and I had been at my mom's house all day in the rain and watched Charoletts webb about 4 times. My mom was at work all day. I was playing on the computer and crying because I was missing Grayson terribly. I think it is something about the weather that can make a heart hurt more some days. When there is not any sunshine it can remind you of how dark your heart is at times. Isabel kept begging me to let her go outside in the rain and of course I said absolutely not your not going out there and getting all wet and muddy. After about the 7th time her asking something just told me "Why not go play with her in pouring rain?" So I said "Come on Isabel I will go with you." NOW she looked at me like she did not hear me correctly and she even said "What did you say?" We went out in the POURING rain and wind and splashed in mud puddles and were SOAKING WET by the time we got done. I will say it made me smile and reminded me that even on a rainy day God is there. Isabel and I were singing the song "How great is our God" as we were playing and she would sing it as she kicked a bunch of water on me. It was really fun to do with her, I suggest to anyone to take in consideration to do the things that your children beg of, and usually the craziest things they suggest are likely the best times you could have with them. After all, children are fearless.

Today was a good day throughout the day at work but only my 2nd day back. Again, today was raining all day and I sat inside thinking of Grayson ALL DAY. I unusually hurt consistently for her today. Unusually it comes in spurts but today it was constant. The doctors office called today and reminded me that I have bills to pay for my delivery. You know when you don't get to take your baby home you almost want them to say "Oh never mind you don't have to pay that." Yea right huh? I know better than this and certainly do not expect any special treatment of not having to pay the bills. HOWEVER, the fact that they told me the amount I can pay each month was not enough and I had to pay more, sent me over the edge to say the least. Please know this is not a problem to pay these bills, only something that strikes a nerve with me for an odd reason. I guess because if I had Grayson here I would pay ever cent I had to have had her. But the fact that she is not here kind of makes me want to tell them to leave me alone and let me pay what I can!

I cried all day at work and my heart literally hurt so bad for her. I miss her so much I can not even describe. I sometimes think that I can still feel her kicking inside me and I almost think she is still there. I do know better than this of course and have learned that this is completely normal even for mothers who have their baby's home with them. My arms literally physically ache for her these past couple of days and the only comfort I have is that God is crying with me. For some reason that brings me peace to know he is sad when I am sad. What better person to have a pity party with huh?

When we first lost Grayson I kept saying quite a bit: "I do not know what else to do except honor God, thats all I know to do that makes since to me is to praise God." You can not go wrong when you do that so why not do it when you have lost all hope right? So today as I felt SO completely helpless this thought came to mind again of the Holy Spirit reminding me "Honor the God that is crying with you, praise him." And I promise when I do this everything else seems to fall into place.

I love the book of JOB and his incredible testimony of faith. You know I often think of when JOB says to his wife "You stubborn women shall we accept only good from God and not bad?" This is so true though! I am always up for accepting good but the bad is hard for me sometimes. However, I know who holds me and I know to do what makes sense works and that is to praise him.

Hope you have a good week and stay safe in the storm

Gretchen