SO tonight I am going to vent a little bit because now that i think about it I am not sure that I have done that on here really. SO I guess its possible I am really human and have "MAD DAYS". Well, today was a mad day. Actually this entire past week has been a mad kind of week....poor Joey. I guess I do not have to say what exactly is making me mad but it is frustrating to me for some reason when the response I get from people when I say "I am just having a really bad day, or I am so frustrated today..." and their response is "well why?" Now I do know no one is a mind reader but I guess I just assume people should know why I am having a bad day without asking. Im so frustrated and mad because I am so frekin sad all day every day lately. I am now back to my daily prayers that I prayed everyday after we lost Grayson...."God do not give me more than I can handle today and when I think it is too much, remind me that it is not." And of course he does this for me. He gives me not too much and certainly reminds me in every day moments that its not too much!

A situation happened today and I am just going to share with you all and hope the poor man who did this does not ever come across my blog. Since he is a complete stranger I would hope not but you never know I guess!

To begin with I have been sitting in Insurance class for the past two days straight! This consists on a room with NO windows and brown wood walls. You know the kind that are like wood panels in old buildings? The class was from 9 to 4:30 both days and consists of a man reading out of a HUGE life insurance book the ENTIRE day. Please note this is a class I have NOT elected to take. It is a requirement of my job and I have to take my test on Friday to be certified. (prayers are welcomed on this!)

Today was my first day back at the branch after sitting in that dreadful room for two days thinking of nothing but Grayson the entire days I was in there. I even wrote a letter to her in one of the classes. My mind was pretty shot today at work and have just been mentally drained all week from these classes. I was sitting at my desk studying that big life insurance book and this complete stranger who apparently knew me or has been in my branch before shouted across the lobby "Hey what did you have?" Now of course I knew that he obviously was one of the many random customers who had come in my branch at some point and saw me pregnant. But I played dumb because he was smacking on a big wad of gum and I was annoyed already in general with my day. So I said "What do you mean?" after playing this back and forth I said "I had a little girl and we lost her" so he says while still smacking on his gum and in NO sympathetic tone: " Ah, was it a miscarriage or stillbirth?" I told him it was a stillbirth and she was perfectly healthy and weighed 5pounds 12 ounces and her cord got wrapped. Still smacking on that gum he says "Ah well you will have another one." If you have had a conversation with me since losing Grayson you probably know how this flew ALL OVER ME. I will say that God shined in this moment by giving me a complete delayed reaction and I said nothing at all. Of course the moment he stepped out of the branch I began to cry and I told my teller what he said and she was so sweet and said that would be like saying you could replace one of your children or spouse if something happened to them.

I just wanted to tell that man that her name was Grayson and there is never going to be a time to have "another one" of her. That was it....never another one. I will hopefully have another baby one day but never another Grayson. I do realize that people say things and think they know what they are saying is good but comes out completely wrong but I just wish he would have said nothing at all!

SO now that I vented about that...:) I wills ay I had a customer come in the other day and I had met her about once before having Grayson and she asked how the baby was and I explained to her what happened and with tears in her eyes all she asked was "What was her name?" I am crying as I write this for some reason but this was the first stranger to ask me that. It meant so much to me to have her care what her name was. It identified her I guess you could say. I always say that in the hospital no bone asked me what her name was and when I finally got the courage to look through her hospital box that has her hair lockets and items in it there was a card on it with her info but no name. I immediately wrote her name in there.

Well I guess I feel a little better now that I vented about all of that and its time to study for this HORRIBLE test on Friday. Isabel just ran in here and was looking at Grayson's pictures and asked when we were going to have another baby. Bless her little heart God has done such an amazing job giving her understanding and peace and I thank him for it!

One week before we had Grayson Isabel and I saw 2 rainbows one day apart after the other. I have not seen a rainbow in years! Today I was leaving work and crying and looked up and there was a HUGE rainbow right over my branch. 3 in one year and I have not seen one since I was little. God is good! And I truly believe he works for the good of those who love him and I CERTAINLY DO!