To begin with I am so blessed to have started this blog. I have thought about doing this since the loss of my baby girl 7 weeks ago. Some may say that these blogs are a little "out there" and do not understand why people do them. Sadly enough I use to be one of those people. The truth be told though I will say that when I was one of "those people" I did not know my God and was not aware that He uses things such as these to announce HIS love for us. It is healing for me to let others know about my story and more importantly to let everyone know the peace and the amazing things God has done in my life through what some may call a completely horrible event that has taken place. Please know that the reason for doing this blog is because I believe that just as God used people in scripture to show himself to others I completely believe that he still does this in all of us. I have never taken the time to really tell others the amazing things God has done in my life and this is definitely an opportunity I will not pass up. What a blessing to be able to use something that has happened in my life to tell others how GREAT IS OUR GOD. Some may say that what we have been through is so "sad" so "terrible" such a "tragedy". And though those are good words to describe my feelings many days and the way Joey and I have both felt at times, I must say that as each day goes by and God graces me with his love and a little more understanding when I completely seek HIM out is when these words begin getting replaced. I now think of words such as blessed, grateful, honored, not worthy,hopeful and peaceful. As you read my story I hope it explains more about where these feelings come from. I want to begin by telling you about the day I found out we were pregnant with our sweet baby girl.
Joey and I have been married for 3 years this past May. We have had a very rocky first couple of years in our marriage and it was not until we found God in our marriage and that I found God in my life the past year and a half that we completely found ourselves in eachother. God knew exactly what he was doing preparing the two of us through our hard times. I have a wonderful step daughter Isabel. I have been with Isabel for most of her life and she is 6. She lives with me and Joey the majority of the time and I have raised her as if she was mine. She is by far right up there with the top five of the best things God has ever given me in my life!
Isabel was with her mom on a Saturday morning and the night before I had been babysitting my best friends 2 little boys (who are also the 2 other loves of my life). Joey and I both were at their house watching the boys and I was feeling pretty sick that night. The thought of taking a pregnancy test crossed my mind that night but after months and months and test after test I had told myself that there was no way in the world that I would take another test. I was so done taking tests at this point. That night I went to bed and woke up the next morning about 7 (which those who know me is VERY early for me to wake up on a Saturday morning). Joey happened to be off work that morning and was up sitting drinking coffee in the living room. I had a dream early that morning that I was holding a baby and God just told me to wake up and go take a test. I had a test under the bathroom sink that had been there for a month or so and so completely half asleep I woke up and took the test. When I turned my head and saw that there were 2 lines there I started immediately shaking and crying and kept looking at it and then looking away, looked again then away.
During the year we tried to get pregnant I always came up with creative ways to tell Joey we were pregnant and that morning all of those ideas went out the window. I ran in the living room holding the test and kept saying over and over crying "What does this mean??!" Joey laughed and said "Well I guess we are going to have a baby" I was shaking so bad I was so nervous. It is kind of funny how your body can become so foreign to you all in a moments time. I threw on cloths and drove to Walgreen's (which had just opened the doors when I got there.) I bought 3, yes 3 pregnancy tests and headed straight back home. I took all the tests as Joey stood there laughing at me and had mildly convinced myself that God had indeed given us a baby. Joey had such a peaceful smile on his face that entire day and was so proud and excited.
The following months were not bad at all. No complications, only morning sickness which though I was not happy with I welcomed it because I always felt that it was God's way of telling me that it was only my body doing what it was suppose to be doing to create such a miracle.
We were so excited to find out what we were having. We took Isabel to our appointment with us that day. It was no secret to those who knew me that I would have been delighted with whatever God gave us. HOWEVER I must admit that I did sneak in a few prayers that our baby was a girl. Isabel also had this request. Joey and I and Isabel went in to get our ultra sound. The nurse doing the ultra sound was going through the anatomy of the baby and all of a sudden she said "And this is a girl" It took me a minute to take it in that it was a girl! It was by far another one of those top five of happy days in my life. Isabel was so excited and could not wait to tell everyone.
Over the next few months Joey and I debated over names for our little girl. I came up with the name Grayson and fell immediately in love with it. I had began to feel her kicking around inside me at this point and after many days of this and bonding with her in the most incredible way ever I just knew that this would be her name. The problem came that Joey had to actually have an opinion in this as well. :) He knew for a month or so that this is what I wanted her name to be but would not confirm to me that this name was okay because those who know me know I have a history of changing my mind on things! On Mother's Day weekend my best friend Heather and her boyfriend were in town visiting me and on that Sunday we were all sitting int he living room before church and Joey gave me a gift wrapped and inside it was a bib that Joey's mom monogrammed and it said "Grayson Strong Butler". I was so excited! This was his way of confirming to me that this name was our baby's name. She had a name! The name Strong is my Grandmothers maiden name. I chose this middle name because my Grandmother (MaMa) is the best Grandmother anyone could ask for. This is a women that if you happen to get a chance for her to pass you in your life at any moment then you should consider yourself "touched by an angel". She is completely responsible for instilling the word of God into my life growing up and God bless her for allowing him to use her to bring Him to me!
I have the best friends anyone could ask for. God has been so gracious to me in my life and I still praise Him all the time for allowing me to have the friends I have. I had 2 baby showers in the last months of carrying Grayson. My wonderful dear friends put so much time into my showers. I received the most beautiful things for baby Grayson. My mother in law mono grammes the most beautiful things and lets just say Grayson would have never forgotten her name with all of the wonderful things she had!
My mom bought the most beautiful picture to hang over her crib and Joey spent a couple of weekends putting the crib and everything together. Every morning I woke up after Joey and Isabel left for work and school as I would get ready for work, I would go in the nursery and play a song by Phil WIckam called "DIvine ROmance". I would rub my belly and sing to the good God that we have and praise HIM for the little creation he was using my body to make. This song is such an inspiration to me and I have copied the lyrics below. We sang this song at Grayson's funeral and I still sing it. I sing it because I praise our God. I praise HIM every day because he gives and he takes away and I do not deserve anything at all in this world. But HE is still gracious enough to bless me with more than I could ever want.
The nursery quickly became my "place of prayer". I would go in there many times and after washing and folding all of her cloths so perfectly I would go in and take everything out of the drawers and put them in a big pile on the floor and refold all of them! Crazy I know, but this was my way of bonding with Grayson and talking to her and praying with her.
Before I end this blog I want to say that being pregnant was the most important thing God has ever asked me to do. I took pregnancy VERY seriously. I took very good care of my body and would have never smoked or drank or done anything in the world to put baby Grayson in harm. I respected her and took such good care of her and did it because of the love I have for her as well as the fact that God put me in charge of this little thing inside of me to take good care over. I am so glad that I can say that I honestly did at least that one thing right that God asked of me.
I know that many are curious about the events that led up to the day of losing her and what happened that day. I wll say that God had HIS hand in every minute of it and I felt it every second.
Thank you for caring to read about our sweet baby Grayson. These memories are all I have of her, but thankfully have our wonderful God to show me more and more ewxciting things in my life to come!
Love,
Gretchen
DIVINE ROMANCE
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
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