Losing Grayson

I must say that my entire life has been made up of a bunch of moments. Just many many moments that I have taken some and thanked God for them and sadly enough some that I have completely taken advantage of and not once looked back on to realize the beauty in God that was wrapped in that moment. The funny thing about moments is that the more time that goes by the less likely you are to really stop and see God in it. It is when that one thing happens in our lives that seems to be "THAT MOMENT" that makes us open our eyes and do one or two things: That thing whatever it may be that happens either opens our eyes to the glory of God and allows us to seize the opportunity to actually hear God speak to us or we fail miserably and turn further from him and try to continue to miss out on the complete and absolute miracles that He preforms all around us. I have unfortunately chosen the failing miserably part in so many situations in my life in the past. It is truly amazing that God prepared me to be strong enough to turn towards him and not away from him in the moment that changed my life.

This past year and half God has been speaking to me and preparing me for something amazing. I knew he was and I told a few that are close to me this along the way. There were a few times that I would make the comment in my bible study that "I just feel like God is really preparing me for something awesome but I don't know what it is." Well now I know part if it but not all of it.

July 4th weekend was an eventful weekend for us. Joey has family that lives in Alabama and they were all in town for that weekend. We spent the night at Joey's mom's house and cooked out and had fun things for all the kids to do. There are 6 grandchildren in Joey's family, Isabel being one of them. There are 5 girls and one boy. Our Grayson made it to be 7 total! That entire weekend I was really tired and just felt really out of it but could not put my finger on what the problem was. I prayed all weekend that God would show me why I was in such a "funk" and get me out of it. Grayson moved around all weekend long and when I was laying down to rest or sleeping she woke me up many times and I would always have the biggest smile on my face. Though there were many nights I would walk around in the middle of the night to try and rock her so she would go to sleep and let me sleep! That Sunday night on July 6th I went to bed and I actually remember the very last time I felt her kick. It was about 1:00 a.m. and I was turning over on my side and remember looking down and smiling really big because she was extremely active in there! I even said "okay sweet Grayson lets go to sleep". We did go to sleep and when I woke up Monday morning all was well. Monday was pretty much a blur to me. I do remember being very busy at work but I do not remember much. I do know I did not feel her move all day but thought not too much of this because I was so busy at work. Isabel was with her mom this night so Joey and I decided to go out to dinner just the two of us. We went and ate and as we were eating we talked about Grayson and how I could not wait to have her and just lay in the bed with her and actually be able to wear normal cloths again! I do remember while we were eating that the thought of her not moving had crossed my mind but again God just gave me a peace.

We got home that night and Joey was exhausted from working all night the night before and so we both got in the bed at 8:00 and fell asleep! Right before we fell asleep I told Joey "You know I don't think I have felt her move all day today." We still did not think to much of it and went to sleep. The phone woke me up about 9:30 and our friend Sean was calling. We did not answer and Joey was fast asleep. I lay there awake and began thinking about things and was wide awake!


I began to mildly worry that she still was not moving. We had a routine at night, me and Grayson. She kicked at certain times each night and when I layed on my back to kicked like crazy. I could drink a glass of milk and she would begin kicking like crazy also. I did all of these things and none of them worked. I was up all night long. I sat in the living room much of the night just rocking and thinking. I had heart burn that night so bad that that was a big part on my mind! I prayed, I thought, and I tried to get her to move. Still through all this God had given me such a peace. I know that in my heart I knew she was gone and I know that the weekend prior to this I felt this coming. My Grandmother calls this "Pending Doom". Where your mind and body just has a weird feeling that something is about to happen. This explains the "funk" I was in the weekend before.

At some point in the night I had gotten back in bed and dozed off for a very brief moment. I had a dream that I was walking down the halls at church and the ladies from my church were coming up to me and hugging me telling me how sorry they were that we lost Grayson. I immediately woke up and prayed that God would replace these crazy thoughts with peace. I was up till 4:00 that morning and then finally dozed off till 6. I woke up and got began getting dressed for work. I told Joey I was up all night and I began to cry and told him I felt something was wrong but just thought of it as me being sleep deprived and just tired. Joey told me that once the doctor opened to just call her to make sure everything was okay.

I had began having very very mild contractions throughout the night and that morning that were getting a little closer and a little stronger but nothing worse than some cramps. I went to work that morning and tried to just think of this as me being paranoid and everything was fine. My manager had a meeting to go to and I had to stay at the branch for work. I had planned to call the doctor and go in maybe later that afternoon and just have them check to make sure she was okay. However an hour later that morning at 8:30 when I called the doctor's office, Dr. Nichols nurse told me to come on in as soon as I could just to make sure everything was fine. I called around to get someone to come to the branch to fill in for me and called and canceled some appointments I had that morning. I had this feeling I would not be back to work for a while. I called Joey and told him and he said he had to work and could not leave but that everything would be fine. I was at such peace throughout all of this still. I called my friend Amanda on the way to the doctor and told her what was going on but that I was sure it was no big deal but that I hoped they would give me an ultra sound because we had not had one since she was 18 weeks. I was 35 weeks this day. Amanda asked if I wanted her to come to the doctor's office with me because that is just the great kind of friend that she is. I told her no I would be fine and call her when I got finished. When I turned onto the street of the doctor's office I began to pray that God would give me peace and be with me no matter what happened. It is so funny to me how we pray for God to "be with us". I think we should pray this for sure but it is not something we have to ask of HIM because whether we like it or not he is there! :) When I walked into the doctor's office the nurse sent me downstairs to get an ultra sound. I was so excited! I text messaged Joey and said that they were giving me an ultrasound and how excited I was and I wish he could be there. I sat in the waiting room for one hour exactly waiting for the nurse to come get me to give me the ultra sound. As I sat there many things were going through my mind. First one being that my contractions were exactly 8 minutes apart at this point but still not really bad at all. There was a big white clock that hung in front of me and I watched it for one hour counting the minutes. The nurse that normally did my ultra sounds has never been just one full of personality. I saw that she was very busy that morning and rushing past me for the hour I sat there. I knew that the last time we were there she had the DVDs for sale that you could buy so she can record your ultra sound. The thought that kept crossing my mind was " I really think everything is fine but I really want this ultra sound recorded so Joey does not miss it." SO I kept wondering if she was going to be annoyed with me because not only was I having to be fit into her busy schedule that morning because I clearly did not have an appointment but I was also going to bug her to go get one of her DVDs so she could record it for me. So I sat there, and as I sat I prayed for her. I asked God to let her have it in her to be really nice to me that morning! I just felt like I could not handle it if she was anything less than really nice about things. I prayed for her to have a good day and be at peace. I do this a lot by the way. I am a "people watcher". I pray for random people walking down the street, random law enforcement as they pass me on the street, and anyone who just looks like they are having a bad day.

She finally called me in the back and I was so uncomfortable at this point it hurt to lay down on the table. I asked her if she would please give me one of those DVDs and she quickly left the room to go grab one for me. She was not just overly excited but definitely did not make me uncomfortable. I layed down on the table and she popped in the DVD and I remember seeing lots of ribs on the screen, Grayson certainly was much bigger than the last time I saw her. I think it may have been a matter of 7 seconds and my heart sank to my stomach. As I write this the feeling comes back ten fold feeling it. The lady that I had spent the past hour in the waiting room praying for was the one who actually gave me the worst news of my life. She just set her head back and closed her eyes and said "I am so sorry Gretchen."
I have never been one to be able to cry on command. It has always taken me a while to process things and then the floods come. However, when she told me that every emotion in my body came out at once and I cried in such a cry that it sounded like someone else. I kept asking her "what do you mean" among all of my tears. She quickly got up and said "Let me go get Dr. Nichols." I do not remember what I did while she ran upstairs to get my doctor but it seems like a second and she was walking in the room. The nurse and her spoke brief words that I have no idea what they were and my doctor kept saying "I'm so sorry Gretchen." Pieces of anger began to sweep over me because I did not understand. I kept asking "Why aren't you doing something?" I felt that they should be taking her out of me immediately to save her. It was not until I looked at my doctor and saw tears in her eyes that I knew our sweet Grayson was with my God. I leaned down and picked up my cell phone to call Joey. I believe with all of my heart and soul that satan torments us in these situations in our lives and the first thought I had was "Oh my gosh Joey is going to be so mad at me." I know better than this now and even did then but it was satan trying to destroy anything I had left at that moment. As I told you before I took being pregnant so serious and to have lost the one thing that I felt was my complete responsibility felt like such a failure.I just remember screaming in the phone that he needed to come up to the office right away because they could not find a heart beat. I handed the phone to my nurse who at this point was so sweet and kind to me and God had certainly put a peace in her that I had prayed for just moments earlier. She talked to Joey and my doctor was hugging me. My doctor by the way has been my doctor since I was a teenager and is an incredible Christian women. She has so much compassion and faith and I am so blessed to have her in my life~It seems like a minute and Joey was there. He walked in and was shaking and holding me. All I could say was how sorry I was. He told me of course that was silly and then whispered in my ear "This is going to bring us so much closer to each other and to God Gretchen." Now I will admit that at this time I was not in the least bit interested in any of that. I wanted my baby. I wanted the child that moved in me all that time, the one I prayed and talked with every day, the one who had incredible family and friends and an amazing big sister waiting for her. I will confess that in that first hour I turned my back on God. I turned my back on the God who just 30 minutes earlier I was praying to. I did not want anything in the world to do with him. I kept thinking "You did this to me and I don't want you anywhere near me." This again was satan using my vulnerable time to pull me away from the grace of God. The amazing thing to me is that God's grace was still upon me whether I wanted it there or not!The next moments were a blur, I know Joey made some phone calls and my doctor came in and talked to us about delivery options. Delivery....now this was something I was not prepared for. A part of me got so excited when she said that. Almost like "oh yay I get to have her today!" But then the dreadful reality that I would have her but not alive set in. I went back and forth with these emotions until I delivered her. My doctor told me she could induce labor but I was not going to go that route. Labor was something that I looked forward to. I have always felt it is so natural and wonderful thing to go into labor and deliver with your husband there with you and the ending results. But I knew my ending results were much different and I just wanted it done with. My doctor told me she would do a section on me which I am so grateful for because many doctors I found out later do not do this.
It is a strange thing to lose your baby like this. The thoughts that went through my mind were so strange to me. I did not think that I wanted to see Grayson after I had her, what was I going to tell Isabel, what about the nursery, what would they do with Grayson after I had her, was she normal? I went in the room so they could prep me for surgery and Joey was there the entire time saying "Just take the next five minutes at a time." God really gave him the direction he needed in order to direct me the right way and it did work.
As they were prepping me for surgery I just kept thinking that no matter what pain I was in, no matter what happened I was NOT asking God for any help. He did this to me I thought and I am so mad at him!"
However, it was as I was having these thoughts I had a complete vision of Jesus standing next to my bed holding baby Grayson. Now this was not a hallucination by any means. This was as clear as day in my mind though. My God said to me "Gretchen I love you so much and I love Grayson so much and I did not do this to you. You are going to be fine but do not turn away from me now or in the coming days. I promise I will take care of you." The thing that kept running through my mind at this point over and over again was "God is good and HE works for the good of those who love HIM." Well, I knew I loved HIM and I trusted HIM and I knew at that moment that good would come out of this one way or the other. Our God is not a contradicting God. He does what HE says and HE is who HE is NO MATTER WHAT.
God gave me the most incredible peace ever as I delivered Grayson. It was a silent room that day when she came out but my doctor made sure I knew at the moment I had her that her cord was wrapped around her little foot and that there was nothing at all any of us could have done, nothing at all. She was 5lbs and 8 ounces and just perfect! The next hour or so was a blur to me and I do remember Joey and I sitting in the recovery room alone and him holding her. I held her briefly and kissed her. I kept falling asleep and waking up. This was Gods grace completely helping me to cope with what was happening step by step. She looked just like Isabel! Exactly like her and her daddy. I could see in Joey's eyes how proud he was of her. I have never seen such pride in a man's face before.
Joey took her in another room and held her so our friends and family could go in and see her. I just felt that it was my time to part ways with her then. I went in the recovery room and waited and the next is such a blur to me.

The few days in the hospital God gave us the best of friends to come and visit. I cried, I laughed, I went through many emotions. We had an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep who sent a girl to take pictures of our baby Grayson. This is a non profit organization and the girl who came to take our pictures was such a loving women. I did not see baby Grayson after I left her that day in the recovery room. I would think of the fact that she was only a few rooms away and would cry and think things such as what kind of a mother would leave her baby in the room down the hall, and that she was in a room alone and not with other babies, did they have a diaper on her, was she cold, would I freak out if I did go down and get her, was it strange to want to hold my baby that was not alive. Once these emotions would cross my mind my loving Jesus would remind me that she was with him and not cold and not alone. I was also reminded that the evil one was working hard to get through to me but my God held on to me so tightly.

The day we left the hospital Joey and I were walking though the maternity halls when they put me and I was having to take a walk before they would release me. As we were walking Joey asked me if it made me mad looking at all the door hangers on the mothers doors who had just had their babies. A peace from God came over me though and I responded that no I was not mad at them or anything at this point that I would never in a million years wish this lose on anyone and that I was happy for them that they were sharing in Joy that we were not.

The day we left the hospital was probably the hardest for me. Mothers were getting to leave with their babies in hand in a wheel chair and here I was with Joey being wheeled out carrying a basket of tulips and a bottle of water. It was almost embarrassing to me to have had to leave like that so empty handed.

A few days later we had a absolutely beautiful service for Grayson. We had her cremated and spread her ashed on our church property. Our church has recently purchased property that we have not yet built on. It is a very wooded area that has been cleared out in some areas. We had the best church family ever set up an incredible service for us in the woods and had music and wonderful speeches given.

After the service it was so final to me, it was all over. The shock, the hospital, the service, all of it done. I think that this is one of the hardest places for someone to be when they lose someone is when this is all done with. The following weeks were so hard. I kept thinking that I could not believe that life just moved on the way it did. Why were people laughing? Didn't they know what had happened? I think these are completely normal feelings that do tend to pass. God really really spoke to me in these past 7 weeks. I have submerged myself in his word. I pray and read scripture all day long. God has spoken to me in a way I have only hoped for my entire life. I believe that when we strip ourselves of worldly things that it is then that God can speak to us. We try to listen to the music we want to, watch things on TV, hang out at certain places and wonder why in the world we can not seem to connect with God. Other people do it why cant we? Well, I am here to tell you that I have the answer! Stop all the loudness in your life and focus. "Be still and know I am God"pslm 46:10 It has taken me my entire life for God to break me and now that He has I would never in this world go back to the place I was before I lost Grayson.
SOOO many people have asked me about how I have gotten through this and that they see my faith in all of this. Truth be told I have been angry, when I first found out like I said I tried to disconnect from God completely. I now know better than this. I cry myself to sleep just about every night. I cry when I read stories about other Mothers and family's losing their babies and children. If you know me at all you know that every child I ever come in contact with I believe entirely that God demands us to love them and give them smiles and love. I grieve for family's who lose their children and I have always been a compassionate person but I now know that when you full heartedly love our God you will come to know a love and compassion for those around you that you never knew could be felt before. There are many things I do not know, but thats where my faith sets in. I have learned to focus on the facts, the things that I DO know.

I know that God loves me, I know that God did not kill my baby, I know that God and my Jesus were crying with us when we lost Grayson, I know that satan is evil and he sits and torments mothers as they grieve for their children, I know that everything good comes from God, I believe without a doubt that we live in a completely fallen world and bad things happen, I know that God has forgiven me for things that in human eyes should never be forgiven and yet still loves me unconditionally, I know that as I cry myself to sleep at night that God is holding every tear that I am crying, I believe that Joey was right when he said that God will turn this into something good because I have already seen good come out of this. Please break yourselves and prepare yourselves now because when something tragic happens in your life, then you will be so lost without knowing the man who holds your tears.

Shortly after losing Grayson I came across this verse and it has stuck with me. I am so glad that I prepared myself and built my past year and a half of my life on a solid foundation of Christ. Because when the storm and the winds came I did not fall apart I stood firm because I knew the foundation I stood on.

Matthew 7:24-27

Jesus said:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand....the rain came down, the stream rose and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash."

Please continue to stay updated on my blogs. I am using this blog to show the miracles of God as he uses us more and more in the coming months. Thank you for caring and loving us!

Love
Gretchen