SO tonight I am going to vent a little bit because now that i think about it I am not sure that I have done that on here really. SO I guess its possible I am really human and have "MAD DAYS". Well, today was a mad day. Actually this entire past week has been a mad kind of week....poor Joey. I guess I do not have to say what exactly is making me mad but it is frustrating to me for some reason when the response I get from people when I say "I am just having a really bad day, or I am so frustrated today..." and their response is "well why?" Now I do know no one is a mind reader but I guess I just assume people should know why I am having a bad day without asking. Im so frustrated and mad because I am so frekin sad all day every day lately. I am now back to my daily prayers that I prayed everyday after we lost Grayson...."God do not give me more than I can handle today and when I think it is too much, remind me that it is not." And of course he does this for me. He gives me not too much and certainly reminds me in every day moments that its not too much!

A situation happened today and I am just going to share with you all and hope the poor man who did this does not ever come across my blog. Since he is a complete stranger I would hope not but you never know I guess!

To begin with I have been sitting in Insurance class for the past two days straight! This consists on a room with NO windows and brown wood walls. You know the kind that are like wood panels in old buildings? The class was from 9 to 4:30 both days and consists of a man reading out of a HUGE life insurance book the ENTIRE day. Please note this is a class I have NOT elected to take. It is a requirement of my job and I have to take my test on Friday to be certified. (prayers are welcomed on this!)

Today was my first day back at the branch after sitting in that dreadful room for two days thinking of nothing but Grayson the entire days I was in there. I even wrote a letter to her in one of the classes. My mind was pretty shot today at work and have just been mentally drained all week from these classes. I was sitting at my desk studying that big life insurance book and this complete stranger who apparently knew me or has been in my branch before shouted across the lobby "Hey what did you have?" Now of course I knew that he obviously was one of the many random customers who had come in my branch at some point and saw me pregnant. But I played dumb because he was smacking on a big wad of gum and I was annoyed already in general with my day. So I said "What do you mean?" after playing this back and forth I said "I had a little girl and we lost her" so he says while still smacking on his gum and in NO sympathetic tone: " Ah, was it a miscarriage or stillbirth?" I told him it was a stillbirth and she was perfectly healthy and weighed 5pounds 12 ounces and her cord got wrapped. Still smacking on that gum he says "Ah well you will have another one." If you have had a conversation with me since losing Grayson you probably know how this flew ALL OVER ME. I will say that God shined in this moment by giving me a complete delayed reaction and I said nothing at all. Of course the moment he stepped out of the branch I began to cry and I told my teller what he said and she was so sweet and said that would be like saying you could replace one of your children or spouse if something happened to them.

I just wanted to tell that man that her name was Grayson and there is never going to be a time to have "another one" of her. That was it....never another one. I will hopefully have another baby one day but never another Grayson. I do realize that people say things and think they know what they are saying is good but comes out completely wrong but I just wish he would have said nothing at all!

SO now that I vented about that...:) I wills ay I had a customer come in the other day and I had met her about once before having Grayson and she asked how the baby was and I explained to her what happened and with tears in her eyes all she asked was "What was her name?" I am crying as I write this for some reason but this was the first stranger to ask me that. It meant so much to me to have her care what her name was. It identified her I guess you could say. I always say that in the hospital no bone asked me what her name was and when I finally got the courage to look through her hospital box that has her hair lockets and items in it there was a card on it with her info but no name. I immediately wrote her name in there.

Well I guess I feel a little better now that I vented about all of that and its time to study for this HORRIBLE test on Friday. Isabel just ran in here and was looking at Grayson's pictures and asked when we were going to have another baby. Bless her little heart God has done such an amazing job giving her understanding and peace and I thank him for it!

One week before we had Grayson Isabel and I saw 2 rainbows one day apart after the other. I have not seen a rainbow in years! Today I was leaving work and crying and looked up and there was a HUGE rainbow right over my branch. 3 in one year and I have not seen one since I was little. God is good! And I truly believe he works for the good of those who love him and I CERTAINLY DO!

The storm

This weather we have had the past couple of days have really just put me in a funk! Sunday as Isabel and I were going to church Joey told me that he got called out to Hattisburg to help with the law enforcement there. This of course put me over the edge. I cried all day Sunday and Monday mainly because I do not like being away from Joey but especially just because of everything we have been through lately it has been especially hard for me to be away from him. I talked to one of my accountability friends and she reminded me that this may be a time to focus on God and remember that in the end He is the only one we have to lean on anyways. SO I kept this in mind and I will say that even though Sunday and Monday were tough it was really nice staying at my mom's house with Isabel. Yesterday Isabel and I had been at my mom's house all day in the rain and watched Charoletts webb about 4 times. My mom was at work all day. I was playing on the computer and crying because I was missing Grayson terribly. I think it is something about the weather that can make a heart hurt more some days. When there is not any sunshine it can remind you of how dark your heart is at times. Isabel kept begging me to let her go outside in the rain and of course I said absolutely not your not going out there and getting all wet and muddy. After about the 7th time her asking something just told me "Why not go play with her in pouring rain?" So I said "Come on Isabel I will go with you." NOW she looked at me like she did not hear me correctly and she even said "What did you say?" We went out in the POURING rain and wind and splashed in mud puddles and were SOAKING WET by the time we got done. I will say it made me smile and reminded me that even on a rainy day God is there. Isabel and I were singing the song "How great is our God" as we were playing and she would sing it as she kicked a bunch of water on me. It was really fun to do with her, I suggest to anyone to take in consideration to do the things that your children beg of, and usually the craziest things they suggest are likely the best times you could have with them. After all, children are fearless.

Today was a good day throughout the day at work but only my 2nd day back. Again, today was raining all day and I sat inside thinking of Grayson ALL DAY. I unusually hurt consistently for her today. Unusually it comes in spurts but today it was constant. The doctors office called today and reminded me that I have bills to pay for my delivery. You know when you don't get to take your baby home you almost want them to say "Oh never mind you don't have to pay that." Yea right huh? I know better than this and certainly do not expect any special treatment of not having to pay the bills. HOWEVER, the fact that they told me the amount I can pay each month was not enough and I had to pay more, sent me over the edge to say the least. Please know this is not a problem to pay these bills, only something that strikes a nerve with me for an odd reason. I guess because if I had Grayson here I would pay ever cent I had to have had her. But the fact that she is not here kind of makes me want to tell them to leave me alone and let me pay what I can!

I cried all day at work and my heart literally hurt so bad for her. I miss her so much I can not even describe. I sometimes think that I can still feel her kicking inside me and I almost think she is still there. I do know better than this of course and have learned that this is completely normal even for mothers who have their baby's home with them. My arms literally physically ache for her these past couple of days and the only comfort I have is that God is crying with me. For some reason that brings me peace to know he is sad when I am sad. What better person to have a pity party with huh?

When we first lost Grayson I kept saying quite a bit: "I do not know what else to do except honor God, thats all I know to do that makes since to me is to praise God." You can not go wrong when you do that so why not do it when you have lost all hope right? So today as I felt SO completely helpless this thought came to mind again of the Holy Spirit reminding me "Honor the God that is crying with you, praise him." And I promise when I do this everything else seems to fall into place.

I love the book of JOB and his incredible testimony of faith. You know I often think of when JOB says to his wife "You stubborn women shall we accept only good from God and not bad?" This is so true though! I am always up for accepting good but the bad is hard for me sometimes. However, I know who holds me and I know to do what makes sense works and that is to praise him.

Hope you have a good week and stay safe in the storm

Gretchen